2025-12-12

What is there to say? I have nothing to say. The feelings that I have are not the ones that can be put into words. My heart does not create words out of my feelings anymore. That gate is held shut. Can I not say the same words by perching on my bedside, studying the drywall? Can I not say the same words by staring aloof in the doorway? Can I not say the same words by sitting at my dining table in my home? Can I not say the same words by sitting motionless in my car in the parking lot? Can I not say the same words far into the treeline, or some distant canyon? I want to go there, but I can't. And why should I try? Can I not try the same in a busy cobblestone street? Can I not try the same in a fancy restaurant in some place? What will it do? If I escaped to the forest, no one would follow. My words would have no audience but the trees, and they would stay. I would still try the same, but for myself only. And as soon as I stop trying, would it matter? Would I have some level of resources to ride off of when I stop? Or would I continue to break even forever? I want to go back to that place so bad. The place I want to go back to, I can't go there anymore.

I wish there was someone who knew me, whom I could share this with. I tried it the other way, for so long, but I can't do it. I have had it both ways... both are hard to get through. One is dim, shallow, hard to wade through... the other is up and down. I feel like I have to hold out, though. I don't want to go the other way and live my entire life in regret. And I don't want to put that on anyone. I feel like I am standing on the top of a skyscraper in a city that nobody lives in. And there's only miles and miles of desert around me...

When I feel like this, I feel like everything I am supposed to be starts to crumble and I have to use my arms to keep everything together as much as possible. Everything I want to be, the place I want to go to used to sound so achievable but I'm starting to feel like it was a corrupted idea of a fantasy... I hope I can get there or at least create some place like it.