2026-02-22
Why do you do that?
"Why do you do that?" is one of the questions I’ve been asked for as long as I’ve lived. I'm what some would call ‘neurodivergent’ (I think this term is overused in this day and age). I have ADHD and show some symptoms of autism, and I’ve got other quirks here and there.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been weird. I always did weird stuff. I never did things the same way that other people did, even the other weird kids. I always ate my food in a weird way, I always played weird games in recess, and I always played video games in a weird way. Some of my oldest memories playing video games were of ROBLOX and World of Warcraft on the family computer. I never played WoW in an orthodox way. It took me ages to level up, and I didn’t even figure out the shtick of the game until I was much older. I didn’t really understand the point of anything. I was just a little kid having fun and experiencing the world around me. I don’t think I was a slow kid, and I’m not slow now. I just didn’t keep up with the other kids when they were excelling at things like reading, sports, and instruments. I suppose having been constantly meth’d out of my mind contributed to that.
As a kid, WoW to me was just a huge, magical world that was a lot more interesting than the real world. My first memories were of starting a new blood elf, firstly being awestruck by the different outfits and details of the backdrop in the character creation menu. I’d also spam the random name button out of amusement to see all the weird unique things it’d come up with. I’d then create the character, and I’d run around for a little bit, exploring the map and killing random mobs. One thing that kept me THOROUGHLY entertained was exploring the menus.
People with ADHD are typically considered detail-oriented so it was no surprise when I would peer very closely at the background textures, spell icons, border decorations, and even the sounds that all the menu interactions made. I was seriously entertained by anything.
A common theme of my household growing up was my parents unplugging the internet. I was terminally online even as a little kid (since around the 1st grade!) and it was a common punishment that cut deep for me. It didn’t stop me from being entertained, though, because I would just poke around the menus of Windows XP (which were masterclass) and click random buttons. It felt like an adventure with no end. Especially the weird audio visualizer, why did they ever get rid of that?? It must have had a significant impact on me, because to this day I pay close attention to UI and I have very strong prescriptive beliefs about good video game UI.
Eventually I’d kill enough mobs to earn a few levels, and at some point I figured out you can loot enough copper to buy a few pieces of armor or a new weapon. So I’d do that for a little bit and then get bored (I seriously didn’t understand quests, the bread and butter of the game). But the journey was so fun that I decided to delete the character and start all over again. Maybe I’d try something different. This next one would have a different class, or with this one I’d try to explore even farther, or this one I’d try to talk to random people. I was also a VERY chatty kid, almost to a fault, but I’ll touch on that later. My character list soon filled up with blood elves ranging from levels 2-4.
I moved on to worgen and goblins after I learned how much more fun and well-made their starting zones were. Everything about it felt so magical. These starting zones were created in 2010, long after the others. The storytelling was a lot more advanced and developed, and there were a lot more cutscenes and programmed events. The worgen starting zone was quite long, so you’d usually finish it out at level 11 or so, which meant you could jump into PvP. I always had fun, even if I sucked, but I remembered getting absolutely demolished by Tauren paladins with heirloom gear time after time. “They’re cheating!” I exclaimed in the chat. I didn’t know what made them so strong, but I made a tauren paladin of my own to see if I could dominate the battlefield myself. When I got him to level, he sucked. Obviously I had no idea what heirloom gear was. But it was this character I got to max trial level (20) and carried out all sorts of shenanigans with. My favorite pastime was sneaking into Astranaar in Ashenvale and killing low-leveled NPCs while avoiding the uber-leveled guards. I didn’t understand the point of quests, or PvP, or dungeons or raids, I just had fun. I was absolutely obsessed with inspecting random people and trying on their armor. I was bewildered by all the mounts, the transmogs, the high stats. Wow, that guy’s sword does 2000 damage! Mine only does 15…
Sorry, I really wanted to talk about my beloved memories in World of Warcraft. Tangent aside, I eventually learned how things worked, but I was slow on the uptake. This same process, this life cycle has been true for most of my life. I rarely do the things that other people do, and if I do I rarely do them the way that other people do them. Regardless, I was never interested in the normal crap of whatever’s current like sports, pop music, the newest slop online service game, partying, whatever. Yes, I know how speshul that sounds, but it's the truth. I was never into those things, and I never understood why other people liked them so much. Even if I tried, which I have, I wouldn’t find a point in it. That's not to say I hate normal things because they're normal. I think I would probably enjoy being normal. But I don't know. It feels like I want two different things internally. I want to be in the crowd, I want to be part of the conversation, but I also want to preserve myself and the things that I like. My identity is absolutely found in Christ at the end of the day, and I could get on well with any Christian, but I feel like I always lack a deeper connection to other people that aren't like-minded to me. Why can’t I be normal? Or why can’t more people be a little more like me? Our society constantly stresses to you to “be yourself,” or that you only need yourself, and you don’t need to care what other people think. How convenient. All you have to do is completely relinquish connection to other people, and you’re free. Is that what the Bible teaches? Or does the Bible teach that we must work together, lean on one another, build eachother up, and engage in fellowship? Why did God ever create the ezer?
Every time I've tried to conform I felt so wrong and out of place. Even for the “weird” crowd, even to the average gamer, and even to the chronically online I’m still a little weird. It’s not to say at all that I can’t be friends with these people. I just always feel out of place or like I’m never among my herd. And on my worst days, I feel like I’m totally disconnected from the rest of humanity. But God always reels me back in, and I’m glad I can depend on Him for that. I'm very thankful for that. I know what this pain feels like, on an existential level. When I was an atheist, I felt completely cut off from other people, like I wasn't even human. I'm glad I no longer feel that way. But even though I still feel pain and strife inside it's because of God's grace that I can move forward despite it.
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