Thinking about romance

I've been thinking a lot about romance lately, in a broad sense. I've undergone quite a bit of growth in the past 6 months; which includes learning about myself. I desire to be married. I think about it often, and I think about eventually getting to that point, and I often think about what I will do once I do get to that point. Most importantly, I try to think about how it lines up with God's will. I've been in relationships before. Most of them were before Jesus saved me, while I was still living in and practicing sin. Because of God's mercy and grace, I no longer feel marked by them. Still, I think I'd be better off if I were never in them. Godless relationships are so dark, dull, and aimless. And without God, everything is in vain

. I've felt the chains of lust for most of my life, as I outlined in my testimony. God has done so much work in fighting my lust, and He freed me from it, but I still feel the scars of it. Lust can do serious psychological damage.

This world is unimaginably lustful. It is rampant with every incarnation with lust from the highest peak to the deepest trench. On this earth, lust is a toxic cloud that pervades everything, every building, every eye, every heart, and every mind. The institution of lust can look innocent on the surface, but I would liken it to a barbaric invaders bursting out of warships on our shores and shrieking through our villages as they mercilessly kill, rape, and pillage with reckless abandon. It really is that bad, and it's everywhere. For many Christians like myself, especially (but not exclusively) young men, seeing the ubiquity of lust in the dating world is enough to want to pack it up and remain celibate indefinitely. But I don't think it's so bad to lose hope. God works wonders despite the sin that exists in the world.

I think a lot of men also take this idea and use it to worry about their romantic future. I used to worry so much about this. Am I ever going to find the right one? Am I even going to find one? Does God want me to be married? A common tenet of unwritten folk superstition (again, commonly believed by men) is that you stumble upon good (and interest-reciprocating) women very rarely, or even that you'll only meet 2-3 'good' women in your life and that's it. I used to believe this too. It caused me to see relationships as opportunistic. As soon as I'd meet a girl that showed interest in me, or I thought I was compatible with, I'd jump the gun, become impatient, and try to rush things, thinking that it was 'now or never'. And of course, as it was proven time and time again in the Old Testament, God's plans cannot be rushed ahead of time. If we do, we may end up spoiling fruit that God had prepared for us.

I've seen fiery debates between the single and the married crowd. A lot of bad advice being thrown around too. You might say "Yattsuke, aren't you single and unmarried, what could you possibly say is good or bad advice?" I'll get to that. Married people will often say "just trust in God, it'll happen when it happens, don't worry so much about it." And then single folk will retort with something like "didn't you get married at 19, straight out of high school?" Which side is right or wrong? Neither side is necessarily wrong, but also not fully right. Yes, all we do is we have to trust in God. Yes, it'll happen when it happens. But people's walks are different. There are some that God has willed to marry early, and there are some that will marry later, and there are some that will not marry at all. But faith is followed by action, if you believe that it is God's will for you to be married, you should probably be preparing yourself to be a good future husband. This includes actually trying to seek out relationships, too. God will use your efforts to teach you lessons, and to carry out His perfect Will. And yes, single folk, it is easy to give advice about something once you've crossed the finish line. Especially if it was handed to you or it happened automatically. But we don't need to villify that. Nor do we need to respond with deconstructive talk. Think about what we're called to do if someone gives us shoddy advice.

Marriage is seriously idolized in the Christian world. For many Christians, the greatest thing you could possibly do is start a family, and that all resources should be devoted to that one outcome. Not to say it's not important. "Be fruitful and multiply" was the first command that God gave to humans (Genesis 1:28). He also said "It is not good that the man should be alone." () But when we idolize marriage, and put too big of a crown on it, that distracts us from God, and from God's plan for marriage. It lures us into temptations and unwise choices. Seek first the kingdom of God, and everything else will be added to you. ()

What do you think of God's plan for marriage? What pops into your mind? I've thought a lot about this. How my desires coincide with God's will. Close your eyes and think about your ideal spouse for a minute. Go ahead, do it. What comes to mind? For many people, they are picturing someone with a particular face, a standard of attractiveness, maybe a hair style, hair color, maybe a certain body build, a certain hobby, a certain career, a certain archetypal personality, or a certain aesthetic. I would be lying if I said some or all of these things didn't come to mind. But I've been wondering; are these desires of flesh? Am I desiring these things because I want someone that will make me feel good, or someone that I can have fun with, or is there another reason? And does this align with God's will? It seems that any woman with a strong love for God is all you would need, and I believe this deep down. But it is hard to reconcile with a worldly heart that wants so many things. That being said, I don't think it's evil to want a spouse that is a certain way. I don't know if God would want us to marry someone that horrifies or bores us. But I do know that God's will comes first. And it seems like in all dating culture, even in Christian dating culture, the interests of the heart come first before God's will, and then we can buoyantly tack on "God's will" to a marriage that checks all of OUR boxes once it has been sealed. It's an incomplete thought, but it's something I've been thinking about a lot, and it's really changed the way how I think about standards and what I seek in a potential wife.

I think if we earnestly sought to follow what God's will was for us in spouses, as lot of us would do something like this: "But God, what if she's not this? And what if she's not that? And what if she's not good at x or y and doesn't do z?" But really think about it. God is the greatest planner. Not only that, 'planning' is a creation; He made the very concept of planning. How could you POSSIBLY think your plans are better? He's got the greatest possible plan for you, that when it comes to fruition, will have the best possible outcome. I hope and pray that He gives me the wisdom to see the next step of His plan, and the courage to take action on it. Whatever you're worried about in a potential future spouse, God will probably fix later anyways. If you love God, and you love your spouse, anything is possible. You don't have to worry because love is the most important of the commandments (Matthew 22:37-39), the law is predicated upon love (Matthew 22:40), love is sufficient to fulfill the law (Romans 13:9-10), and love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).

I'll bluntly a topic that I'm kind of dancing around that is brought up constantly in the world of Christian dating; what if my future spouse is bad at sex? There is a lot to be said about sex in the Bible. Sex is good and holy, and is a gift from God for BOTH mutual pleasure and procreation, so long as it is done between a married man and woman. The Word even says that regular sex is healthy and a prerequisite for a good marriage. But like marriage, a lot of Christians idolize sex with your spouse as the "prize," so-to-speak. And it can really distort things. It can make you worry about that same question, "what if my future spouse is bad at sex?" Put everything into God's hands. You should not be focused on using your spouse to pleasure yourself, but instead pleasuring your spouse. Both parties have the mutual responsibility of reciprocating. By the way, that doesn't mean keeping score. It's an expectation, not a conditional fulfillment. A big way Christians like to keep score is by constantly bringing up verses about husbands submitting to wives and wives submitting to husbands. An individual will post something about Ephesians 5:22-23, and then you'll see a roaring onslaught soon follow about "But what about the next verse???" and "husbands need to to the same!!" What are we doing here? Again, neither side is wrong, but neither side is fully right. Yes, both husbands AND wives should submit to eachother, but that's not conditional. It's not about keeping score, it's about loving one another. Does it not say, later in Ephesians that slaves must also submit to their masters? How could we apply that to imbalanced marriages? Even so, imagine how terrifying it would be if God also kept score against us, and regularly acted on it as we do to eachother!

Even though I don't have experience with marriage, I know what God says in His Word, and I know what He promises. I know that God will not give me a stone if I ask for bread. I'm sorry for making this post so preachy. I try not to, I try to keep it about my own thoughts, but it ends up becoming more prescriptive than descriptive. I'm working on it.

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